Tuesday, June 24, 2014

its been a lite 9 months.

God I love when websites post "definitive rankings" of things.  Cereal.  Disney songs.  Instagram filters.  Its like...who says?  Who decided?  You? Why are you the boss?  I did not vote for you.  You are a Buzzfeed staff writer who lives in Brooklyn!  We probably have very dif--- no yeah the exact same taste I take it back.

So because nobody elected me, and nobody died to make me queen, and the best part of having a blog is that you can post Big Ass Statements on the internet and there ain't nobody around to stop you: BEHOLD.

All of the Spanish Sweets I Have Eaten In Madrid, Definitively Ranked

8. Turrón

Large rectangles of almond nougat popular at Christmas, and probably the only sweet capable of vanquishing me. I tend to have no limits when it comes to candy consumption, but one small piece of turrón knocks me straight out.  Comes in two varieties: duro (aka de Alicante), which features whole almonds and the consistency of honeycomb candy, and blando (aka de Jijona), which is mushy and, as my sister astutely noted, tastes like eating straight almond butter in block form.  Really heavy, all of it.

7. Torrija
I was too busy dying to snap a pic of my torrija, and now that Holy Week is long past they are no where to be found.  I borrowed this picture from a list of the best torrijas in Madrid (fitting, no?)
An Easter-time tradition, which I ate standing up at a counter bakery in Sol with a lot of old people (Spanish breakfast, I will never get over you).  I thought I was going to explode.  This thing is an eggy french toast log stuffed with cream and then doused in cinnamon sugar.  Jesus.  I subtracted probably 4 years from my life consuming this.  I regret it a little bit.

6. Churros

Not your county fair's churros.  Subtract cinnamon sugar, add a CUP OF MOLTEN CHOCOLATE.  Oh man.  This is Spain's answer to doughnuts, if in America we ate doughnuts in the early morning to sop up all of the gin and tonics we'd literally JUST finished drinking.  The more famous churrerias in Madrid are old-timey and quaint, but their goods are always super greasy (big crowds=fried in advance=sitting in pond of own oil=very cute).  The truly crunchy numbers are killer, if hard to find.  These are from Churreria Chocolateria Las Farolas, near Tribunal.

5. Tortas de Aciete

I remember seeing these in Whole Foods, which is weird.  They are essentially big crackers brushed with olive oil and sprinkled with white sugar.  A little floral (whole anise seeds will do that), a little greasy (surprise), and so good.

4. Violetas

Only widely available in Madrid, these hard candies are considered a delicacy, and are definitely not for people after something...normal tasting.  I'm all for floral-flavored stuff (rose gelato oh my god, lavender shortbread kill me now), so I dig them, though I believe if you were to eat an aromatherapy candle the experience would be similar.  I don't know how to tell you that they somehow manage to be the tiniest bit medicinal and also so addictive without making you think they are drugs, but that's what's up.

3. Rosquilles de San Isidro

Something Spain does so well is assigning sweets to specific parts of the year.  Bakeries only produce them for a limited time, so you HAVE to go get them before they're gone.  Brilliant marketing scheme slash a great way to tie religious holidays to personal gluttony, Carbs 4 Jesus, etc etc.  In Madrid, rosaquilles are little crumbly biscuits inexplicably associated with San Isidro, the patron saint of the city who is celebrated for two weeks every May.  They come in two varieties: clara (aka egg white, and so is topped with meringue) or tonta (which means dumb, because thats what you are for ordering an unfrosted anise-flavored biscuit).  Elsewhere in Spain, rosquilles are deep-fried sugar-rolled anise-spiked doughnuts.  I ate them hot in Barcelona out of a huge paper sack, and they were amazing.

2. Naranjines

Somehow crunchy and melt in your mouth at the same time, and so SO good with coffee, these orange extract cookies are one of the specialties of the Monjas Carboneras, from the Monasterio del Corpus Christi in Madrid.  They're a cloistered order of nuns, so they literally cannot deal with you in person because you are a member of the outside world, which means that in a spy-like turn of events, you have to wander down back hallways of the convent and then pass notes to each other through a spinny window in a wall.  Not joking.  It's crazytown.  And they sell baked goods, and they are GREAT.  Near-top billing for not only being delicious, but an adventure to procure as well.

1. Batido de Horchata

Theres just no going back from this milkshake.  This beaut was from Horchateria Alboraya, which is billed as the best horchateria in Madrid, and who are we to argue with such a bizarre website.  OR THIS MILKSHAKE HONESTLY I MEAN COME ON.  Horchata gelato + actual horchata, all milkshook together in glory.  The sooner you give yourself over to this the better.

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