Wednesday, April 24, 2013

employee discrunch.


Dear Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream AND Essie Nail Polish,

You probably think its weird that I'm writing both of you a letter at the same time, considering the major differences between your products.  I will start by saying that you probably have a lot more in common than you think.  You are both vital factors at most sleepovers I attend and you are both hazardous to eat in large quantities, though I imagine only one of you to be fatal in that context.  You are both relatively inexpensive to purchase, can have a seasonal quality about you, and are open to creative combinations.  Your most important similarity, however, is that your products, which are each available in a myriad of varieties, are all interestingly named.  On the outside of your cartons and on the tops of your lids, lovely, silly, mellifluous and sometimes heartbreaking words and phrases give life to the contents within.

Yes, occasionally you let the flavor or shade speak for itself and call it like you see it, Boston Cream Pie or Garnet, Cake Batter or Pearly White.  But more often than not you get a little funky,  Karmel Sutra or Turquoise & CaicosWhat A Cluster or Madison AvenHUE.  Names like these are magnetic, pulling me through the frozen food aisle or past the rows of fake eyelashes at the jenky discount beauty supply story I frequent (Essie: I don't buy your polish full price, I'm sorry, but I own nearly your entire stock so you can't be upset).  I pick flavors and colors based more on their name than anything else.  Cherry Garcia.  Steel-ing the Scene.  I cannot imagine my life without these products -- chocolate and cherry in my belly and matte grey on my fingertips -- which exist because they called out to me, punily, from their respective shelves.  Thank you for making my life delicious, colorful, and full of wordplay.  

What I'm really wondering with this letter is if you would consider hiring me to be the Chief Executive Namer of your products.  I am about to graduate college with, among other things, a degree in creative writing, which I trust you understand makes me wildly qualified to fill this position.  I am hoping CEN will be a full time gig, and will pay very handsomely.  I will also get free ice cream and nail polish for life as CEN, initially for research purposes during brainstorming sessions and then afterward as thanks for my incredible work.  

I even have some awesome ideas already on the drawing board.  MAUVEalus (obviously a sensible mauve).  Synecookie, New York (a take on the black and white cookie, which might only be a play and not real life at all).  Ideally the former is nail polish and the latter ice cream, but really, up to you.

I hope you get back to me soon regarding my hiring.  I'm a bombass employee and I know a fair amount of pop culture references as well as English words (some Spanish) that I could easily make pithy little sayings out of to adorn your plastic and cardboard.  What do you say?  The beginning of a beautiful friendship?  Casablanca could either be a super stark matte white polish or a really fancy vanilla. 

Peace and blessings,


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